


Carved in your name with my pocket knife

by yuraxchan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Bisexual!Chanyeol, Depression, Insecurities, Life tattoos are a thing, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Snooker!Chanyeol, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mention of past Chanyeol/OCs, mention of past Jongin/OC, mention of rape, mention of violence, not chankai tho, uni!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 06:03:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10353765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuraxchan/pseuds/yuraxchan
Summary: Jongin isn’t comfortable with people knowing about his life, knowing his secrets just by reading his tattoos. He wants to keep them for himself. He wants to choose who he shares them with.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Ink" by Coldplay.

Jongin stares at himself in the mirror through his blurry eyes and curses out loud. The line _first heartbreak_ has appeared below his left nipple, where his heart lies. His chest constricts and he rubs his puffy eyes, quickly putting on a shirt to hide the new addition to his body. Sometimes he wishes his life experiences wouldn’t be inked on his skin permanently. Now he will forever be reminded of the boy who broke his heart. He knows he will forget about it— _him_ —eventually, with time, until he heals that is, but for now he has to avoid looking at his body in the mirror.

Morning classes are a pain but Jongin has no choice but to attend if he wants to pass. Slapping his face with cold water, he grabs a sweater, picks up a banana and heads out. Thankfully, the walk to campus isn’t long. Besides, Jongin always listens to music on his way to class, ducking his head to avoid meeting strangers’ eyes. Turning off the music, he sits heavily on the bench and stares at the desk in front of him, careful not to look up and let his gaze wander on the people already there.

He absentmindedly brushes his wrist when his classmate—Chanyeol—sits beside him and tugs on his sleeve to hide the skin when the boy follows his movement curiously. The only reason Jongin has allowed Chanyeol to sit next to him in class is because they’ve been paired up by the teacher for a project. If that wasn’t the case, Jongin would be sitting in the far corner of the room, _alone_.

He’s lucky Chanyeol has been nice so far. Chanyeol always smiles at him gently and listens to what Jongin has to say. Jongin wonders if Chanyeol thinks he’s weird since he doesn’t talk much and doesn’t look him in the eyes. They’re practically strangers though. Besides, Chanyeol is a talkative, outgoing and bubbly guy whereas Jongin is more of an introvert. Chanyeol knows everyone and talks to everyone while Jongin is only comfortable and being his true self with his close friends.

Jongin has a hard time warming up to people he doesn’t know. He needs to get to know them better before letting them in his life, in his safe bubble. It’s even harder for him to trust people right now, after _him_. Jongin’s heart is still healing after all. He needs time. But he’s trying hard not to shut out his friends and people around, which Chanyeol is a part of.

“How are you?” asks Chanyeol, like every morning since their first meeting three weeks ago.

Jongin bites his lips, choosing his words carefully, before settling for a simple “I’m fine, just tired, and you?”. ‘Just tired’ means in fact ‘I’m miserable’ but really, Chanyeol doesn’t have to know. Jongin doesn’t want _anyone_ to know.

Chanyeol grins. “I’m fine, but I’d rather stay in bed than be here.”

Throwing him a small smile, Jongin nods. When the teacher arrives, Chanyeol rolls up his sleeves and Jongin’s eyes automatically fall on his inked skin. He can read a few words such as “broken” on his left arm, “scars” on the inside of his right wrist just above a few scarring lines, “first friend” around his index. Jongin quickly looks away when Chanyeol shifts, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He envies Chanyeol. His classmate doesn’t mind exposing his tattoos, showing them to the world while Jongin always tries so hard to hide them.    

It shows how different they are, the two of them. Jongin isn’t comfortable with people knowing about his life, knowing his secrets just by reading his tattoos. He wants to keep them for himself. He wants to choose who he shares them with. Until now, Jongin has never met someone he can show his whole life—his whole body—to. Past girlfriends and boyfriends included. Jongin has never let them read his tattoos, which explains why they weren’t getting that much intimate and hence broke up—until _him_ , that is. But even _him_ haven’t seen it all, Jongin made sure of it. He just can’t. He can’t let someone know everything about him yet. It’s too dangerous, too scary. And he had been right, with _him_.

Chanyeol is eight years older than him, but he looks like he’s Jongin’s age. Jongin was surprised when Chanyeol said he was 28. He was curious too, why someone older would go back to university ? He gets his response when Chanyeol shares his story with their classmates. Jongin doesn’t want to hear, but Chanyeol’s voice is loud and he doesn’t seem to have a problem sharing his past with strangers. Chanyeol is—was—a professional snooker. He stays vague about what made him stop his carrier though, blurting out a simple “bad injury” with a shrug before smiling widely.

Jongin wishes he could be like him and laugh everything off. Apparently, Chanyeol still plays, he says so to Jongin but makes the younger promise no to tell a soul. He’s not supposed to touch a cane anymore. Jongin only shakes his head “no”, lowering his gaze to his feet. Who would he tell anyway? As if knowing his thoughts, Chanyeol nudges him and murmurs a soft “thanks, you’re the best, Jongin” before giving his attention back to the teacher. Jongin wants to tell him to stop playing, if it’s dangerous, but he doesn’t have the heart to remind Chanyeol of his injury.

Chanyeol can laugh all he wants, Jongin knows he’s sad too. Perhaps not as sad as Jongin, but he’s sad enough for Jongin to see his pain hidden behind his smiling face. Sometimes Jongin wants to tell him that he knows, that Chanyeol can stop pretending around him because he’s been there, he’s still there—miserable—but he’s a coward. He also doesn’t want to confront Chanyeol. They aren’t that close anyway. Besides, Chanyeol knows too. Jongin knows that he knows. But he doesn’t say anything, purposefully avoiding sensitive and personal subjects. Jongin is fine with it though. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity or judgment.

 

 

 

Things changes on a cold night of November. Since Jongin has forgotten to go grocery shopping and has nothing to eat he’s forced to go out for food. He’s not particularly hungry but he has lost too much weight already and he doesn’t want to attract unwanted attention by fainting or falling sick. He’s heartbroken yes, but he’s not going to endanger his life for an ex who dumped him like a hot potato without any once of remorse. No. Jongin is going to feel sorry for himself for a while, then he’s going to get better—at least that’s the plan.

Jongin is walking slowly towards the closer 7/11 shop, dark circles under his eyes, his lips turned upside down and his hood up, when he bumps into someone. Hard. He stumbles, surprised, letting out a small gasp. Hands are keeping him balanced and he looks up to find himself face to face with none other than Chanyeol. The man’s eyes are wide as he towers over him, his hold tight on Jongin’s frail shoulders. “Sorry I—Jongin?” he mumbles, his voice rough.

“Hi,” Jongin breathes out, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t look where I was going.”

Chanyeol lets him go when he regains his footing and stares at him longer than necessary. “Why are you out so late?”

“I don’t have anything to eat.” he admits sheepishly, ducking his head.

“Oh.”

“And you?” Jongin asks softly, just to be polite.

“I was out with...friends.” Chanyeol hesitates.

Taking a good look at him, Jongin munches on his lower lip. Chanyeol looks exhausted, and he has definitely been drinking. Jongin can smell the alcohol on his breath and the odor of sweat and cigarettes on his clothes. “A-Are you okay?”

Chanyeol widens his eyes, visibly taken aback by his question. He grins good naturally. “Of course, why do you ask?”

_You look sadder today_ , Jongin wants to say, but he doesn’t. He shrugs. “Like you said, it’s late.”

Chanyeol barks out a laugh at that. “Yes, for kids.” He teases, poking Jongin’s chest. “You should be asleep by now.”

“I’m not that young,” Jongin huffs, a hint of red tainting his cheeks. “And don’t change the subject. You should go home, hyung.”

Smiling softly, Chanyeol nods. “I will.” He stares at Jongin thoughtfully. “It’s the first time you call me hyung.”

“Oh, I haven’t realized...Is that okay?” Jongin trailed off, unsure. It _is_ the first time he calls Chanyeol _hyung_. He doesn’t know why. It just felt right.

“Of course,” Chanyeol grins before grabbing him by the shoulder. “I’ll tag along and carry you home.” Jongin wants to protest but Chanyeol’s gaze dissuades him. He reluctantly nods and lets Chanyeol guide him to the convenience store. “I’ll buy you food next. I’m hungry now.”

Jongin quickly does his shopping, feeling self-conscious as Chanyeol follows him around. He sometimes butts in and suggests to Jongin to buy vegetables or fruits. The younger grimaces but doesn’t have the heart to say no. Perhaps it would do him good to eat healthy food for a change. When Jongin bends down to grab a bottle of milk, his hoodie rids up and he quickly gets up to adjust it, his cheeks flaming red. Chanyeol is frowning down at him though and Jongin levels him with a questioning gaze.

“You’re too skinny,” he sighs, shaking his head in disappointment. Ashamed, Jongin purses his lips and looks at his shoes like a kid being reprimanded. Chanyeol steps closer, invading his personal space and lifts his hoodie. “Look, I can see your ribs!”

Shocked, Jongin hastily pulls it down. “Hyung!” he stutters, affronted. “I’m fine.”

“You need to eat more Jongin.” Chanyeol scolds him. “I’m serious.”

“Who are you? My mom?” Jongin squeaks, avoiding his eyes. His hands are trembling. He wonders if Chanyeol saw his tattoos. The ones on his lower back, hip, and tummy. He’s usually careful not to expose them but Chanyeol surprised him. “Please don’t do that again.” he nearly begs, his lower lip slightly wobbling.

Chanyeol falters, biting his lips. “I’m sorry.” He puts his hands in his pockets and takes a step back. Jongin blinks up at him, confused, but Chanyeol doesn’t look at him anymore. As they wait to the cashier to pay, Chanyeol keeps his distance from him. It makes Jongin uncomfortable. It suddenly became awkward and Jongin feels like he did or said something wrong but he can’t pinpoint what. When they go to eat together afterward they don’t talk, stuffing their faces instead. Jongin keeps his eyes on the food, unable to look into Chanyeol’s eyes. They’re silent too as they walk to Jongin’s dorm.

Chanyeol finally clears his throat when they’re in front of Jongin’s dorm room. “This is it, I guess.”

Fidgeting, Jongin looks shy. “Do you want to come in? To warm up. You must be freezing...”

“I...don’t want to impose...” Chanyeol trails off, unsure.

“Come in, hyung.” Jongin insists, opening the door and putting the lights on. “Sorry, it’s small and messy.”

Smirking, Chanyeol makes himself at home, sitting on the younger’s mattress. He looks less tense. Jongin is relived. “Nothing I haven’t seen before. I used to be pretty messy at your age too.”

“Not anymore?” Jongin asks as he starts to store his groceries.

“No,” Chanyeol announces proudly. “I’m a functioning adult now.”

“Right.” Jongin snorts. “Says the guy who’s close to being drunk at 9 on a Tuesday night.”

Chanyeol sobers up at that, looking guilty. “You’ve caught me at a bad time.”

Jongin stops his action and turns around to face him. “You lied earlier. You’re not really okay then.” He hesitates, walking closer, and sits on his bed next to Chanyeol. He feels suddenly small as he sits there, their shoulders touching. He had never noticed how big Chanyeol was beside him.

“I miss my old life.” Chanyeol confesses out of the blue. “I miss snooking. I’m better now, it used to be really bad when I had my injury, but I’m still recovering and processing the fact that I can’t play anymore. It’s hard though. Being a snooker was my dream and I was doing what I’ve always wanted, so learning that I couldn’t play anymore, that I had to let go of my dream and live another life was a huge blow.”

“You can find another dream,” Jongin replies.

Chanyeol laughs, amused. “Right.”

“What?” Jongin frowns defensively.

“It sounds easy when you say it like that. That’s all.” Chanyeol shrugs.

“I know it isn’t...I was just...” the younger stutters awkwardly, his eyes widening. “It was insensitive, I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol smiles, ruffling his hair through his hood. “No, you’re right.” He pauses, patting Jongin’s head. “What about you? What’s your story?”

“My story?” Jongin inquires. “It will sound childish and stupid in comparison.”

“Try me.”

“I...I had my heart broken.” Jongin whispers self-consciously, playing with his sleeves. “And it hurts a lot. I thought it’ll pass quickly but I’m still hurting.”

“It takes time, don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” Chanyeol says softly, carefully pushing Jongin’s hoodie off his head to watch his face. “If you loved them a lot, it’s normal that it takes longer.”

“Have you got your heart broken, hyung?” Jongin asks innocently.

Shaking his head, Chanyeol grimaces. “No. I can’t say I have. Unless you count snooking as my first love.”

“You’ve never been in love?” Jongin questions, surprised.

Chanyeol shrugs. “No. I liked my lovers, but I’ve never been _in love_.”

“Oh, so you’re the one who broke hearts then.” Jongin says knowingly. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

“Maybe,” Chanyeol chuckles. “Since snooking was everything, I didn’t really care about love.”

Jongin nods, repressing a tired yawn. Chanyeol cooes and pets his hair. “Time to go to sleep kid, do you want me to tuck you in?” he teases.

Embarrassed, Jongin whines. “I’m not a kid. Go home, hyung.”

Laughing heartily, Chanyeol gets up and tugs him by the sleeve. “Come see me off, you ungrateful brat. I fed you.”

Jongin did, thanking him for the food and waving at him with a smile. “Go home safely.”

“I will,” Chanyeol replies, his eyes softening. “Good night Jongin.”

“Good night, hyung.”

 

 

 

Jongin finds himself smiling more after that. At least in Chanyeol’s presence. He still feels upset and sad most of the times but it’s bearable now. Thanks to Chanyeol. They don’t spend time outside of the university, but they chat in classes and it’s nice. Comforting. Jongin is at ease with Chanyeol. Chanyeol’s smiles look more sincere too these days. Jongin is glad. It means he’s helping Chanyeol too. It makes his heart flutter. He’ll be fine, they’ll be fine.

 

 

 

They start spending time outside of classes a little over three months later. Jongin is a hard nut to crack, he’s being cautious. He knows that’s why Chanyeol keeps his distance and tries not to push him out of his comfort zone too soon. Jongin noticed Chanyeol had quickly learned Jongin’s boundaries, and made sure not to cross them. It’s Jongin who asks him if he wants to hang out, fidgeting nervously and rubbing his bicep, knowing the word “rejection” was written underneath his shirt. He has made a habit of rubbing the area when he was putting himself out there, vulnerable and raw, afraid of feeling rejected again.

Chanyeol smiles and offers him to watch video games at his place. Jongin agrees easily and they find themselves walking to Chanyeol’s flat. It’s bigger than Jongin’s dorm and it’s very neat. “Someone cleans for me,” Chanyeol admits with a sheepish smile.

Jongin chuckles and shakes his head, not in the least surprised. Chanyeol toes off his shoes and offers him a glass of water as he serves himself a beer. “You shouldn’t drink so much alcohol.” he says softly once they’re comfortably sitting on the couch.

“I’m 28, Jongin.” Chanyeol replies simply, like it made it right. “I can handle my liquor.”

Frowning, Jongin doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t want to upset Chanyeol. They start to play WoW and Jongin forgets about his shyness or self-consciousness as he curses at Chanyeol when he loses again and again. Chanyeol laughs a lot, loudly too. He has tears in his eyes and he appears younger when he’s happy. His youthful expression takes Jongin’s breath away. He wishes Chanyeol would always look like this.

When Chanyeol calms down, he starts pulling his sweater off, mumbling “too hot” under his breath. Jongin looks away as more of his skin gets on display, panicked. He’s feeling hot too but there’s no way he’s taking off his sweater. He bites his lip and resolutely keeps looking at the TV screen.

Eventually, Chanyeol notices his discomfort. “Why are you uncomfortable?”

“Your tattoos. I can see them.” Jongin mumbles, looking at the floor with a frown.

“So?” Chanyeol replies, confused. “I don’t mind.”

Jongin’s head snaps back up with a gasp. “You don’t? But it’s private! And intimate! All your life is written on your skin!”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen and he shrugs. “I really don’t mind if people see my tattoo, I have nothing to hide.” Ashamed, Jongin drops his eyes. He wishes he was as confident as Chanyeol. He rubs his left rib and cringes. Chanyeol seems to notice. “What’s written there?” he inquires.

“Something someone told me a long time ago,” Jongin whispers. “I wish it could disappear.”

“You do know that life tattoos aren’t punishment, right?” Chanyeol asks, concerned.

“Sometimes they feel like it.” Jongin confesses, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. He bites his lips, refusing to cry. _Again_. He blames _him_ for being emotional all the damn time now.

“You shouldn’t let those words hurt you.” Chanyeol says. “They’re all in the past after all. It’s your history.”

Sighing, Jongin shakes his head. “But I can see them everyday. They’re inked on my sin. Forever on my body. How can I forget them, hyung?”

“What are you afraid of?” Chanyeol inquires, getting closer. “Jongin?”

“That people will see those words and believe them.” he replies shakily, biting hard on his lower lip.

Chanyeol grabs his hand, still clenched on his sweater against his rib, and presses it to his arm, next to his right elbow. “Read.”

Jongin hesitates. “Run away.” he whispers. Chanyeol nods then moves his hand to his inner wrist. “I want to die.” He gasps at that and grips Chanyeol’s wrist. “Chanyeol!”

“I’ve thought about it so much that one day it appeared on my skin.” Chanyeol says, his eyes sad. “I regretted it a lot when my mom found out. But it doesn’t go away and I have to live with it.” He pauses. “Do you see me differently while knowing? Do you want to stop being my friend, Jongin?”

At Jongin’s loud “no”, he grins, looking relieved. “See. Nothing I could read on your skin could change how I see you. You’ll still be my friend, no matter what.”

Jongin stares at him in awe and smiles softly, touched. Chanyeol smiles back, bumping their shoulders together and looking at him with so much fondness in his gaze that Jongin’s heart skips a beat.

 

 

 

Weeks later, they find themselves studying together for their upcoming finals on Jongin’s bed. “You never told me,” Jongin breaks the silence, his tone hesitant. “About your injury.”

Chanyeol shrugs, looking down at his book. “There’s nothing much to say.”

“I don’t want to be nosy but what happened?” the younger tries, biting his lips. He sits cross legged on his bed and watches as Chanyeol closes his textbook and does the same, facing him.

“I...” his voice cracks and he flushes, embarrassed. “God, it’s harder than I thought. I’ve never really talked about it before.” He rubs his neck in a sign of nervousness.

“Never?” Jongin asks, surprised.

“Only to my therapist.” Chanyeol admits, looking up at Jongin’s face to see his expression. The younger nods slowly. “I don’t like talking about it because it doesn’t concern only me, you know. My sister was involved too.”

“You have a sister?” Jongin inquires curiously.

“Yes, an older sister. She...she’s really important to me, but she doesn’t really want to see me right now.” he explains, his eyes getting sad. “She feels guilty about my injury and she doesn’t know how to face me—that’s what my mom told me. She never talked to me again after...what happened.”

Jongin’s gaze softens. He puts his hand on Chanyeol’s arm and squeezes it in a comforting manner. “I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol smiles and shakes his head. “Not your fault.” he sighs, carding his fingers through his hair anxiously. “My sister and I went out that night, to celebrate one of my wins. She’s really beautiful you know, my sister.” He grins fondly before adding smugly, “she looks like me.”

Jongin snorts, rolling his eyes. “Hyung, _please_.”

“I’m very charming okay,” Chanyeol mumbles, a little affronted. “Anyway, we drank a bit and I went to dance as she mingled with the crowd. A guy hit on her and she looked into him so I let her be.” He clenches his fist. “But he started filling her up and making her uncomfortable, I saw her trying to get away but he didn’t leave her alone. I didn’t see it immediately but at some point he dragged her away towards the bathroom.”

Jongin parts his lips, his eyes widening.

“A friend grabbed me by the arm and told me someone was hurting my sister, I was pretty smashed but still coherent so I dashed to the bathroom.” He grits his teeth. “He had her pressed against the wall, his disgusting hands under her skirt. I just. I saw red. I grabbed him and punched him as hard as I could. I don’t remember much, it was chaotic. My sister was crying, trying to get me to leave but I couldn’t so I kept punching him again and again. The guy fought back and at some point we fell on the floor, my hand got crushed under our weight...and you now the rest.”

Jongin’s throat closes up. He shouldn’t have asked. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, feeling guilty. Chanyeol must have been replaying the images of that night in his head because of him.

Chanyeol grins at him, his face relaxing. “It’s fine, it’s all in the past now. Besides, I don’t regret it. My sister is more important than anything else in this world. Even my dream.”

Playing with the hem of his sweat shirt, Jongin keeps his eyes on his lap. “You’re a very strong person, hyung.”

“I’m not,” Chanyeol denies, laughing it off. “I just got used to it. I had to accept it at some point but it took me a long time. The Chanyeol you have in front of you may be strong, but the Chanyeol of the past wasn’t.” He reaches out to ruffle Jongin’s hair, petting his head fondly. “Don’t look so down, I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Jongin confesses quietly.

“No one does. I don’t really talk about it.” Chanyeol comments. “You know, after that day, my sister became afraid of people. She couldn’t let anyone approach her, or touch her. I don’t know how she is now but back then she was terrified of skinship.” He licks his lips, pausing. “She acted a little like you.”

Jongin’s breath hitches, his heart stopping at the underlying question. He freezes, keeping his eyes downcast. “I’m not...I haven’t...I mean,” he stutters. “It’s nothing like that.” He looks up and meets Chanyeol’s concerned gaze. “No one hurt me. Not like that at least.”

“Good. That’s good.” Chanyeol says, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to assume and I didn’t know how to ask you but you react like her...” he trails off before clearing his throat, “I’m glad.”

Jongin smiles shyly, hiding behind his bangs. “I’m just afraid of people getting too close.”

“Why?” Chanyeol asks gently.

“Because of my tattoos, I don’t want anyone to know everything about me.” Jongin confesses. They’ve talked about it before, but Jongin only reveals pieces of his life from time to time. He’s not comfortable sharing his whole story. He’d rather give pieces of himself and hope people won’t remember everything to build the puzzle that’s his life—that’s him.

Chanyeol hums. “That’s why you hide behind all those sweaters and long shirts?” he guesses.

Nodding, Jongin sighs. “It’s stupid, I know, but I...I’m scared.”

“I’m worried you know, when I come too close to you or touch you by accident, you startle easily.” Chanyeol chuckles. “That time at the store, you looked really scared.”

“I didn’t want you to see my tattoos, that’s all.” Jongin pouts, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. I’m glad you told me though.” he looks pensive. “But really, Jongin, you’re beautiful. You don’t need to hide.”

Flushing, Jongin groans and hides his face with his hands, embarrassed. “Hyuuuung,” he whines.

“I know you’ve had your heart broken not too long ago, but don’t let this asshole mess you up.” Chanyeol says seriously. “You deserve someone better.”

“Someone like you?” Jongin blurts out, looking at Chanyeol from under his eyelashes.

“Me?” Chanyeol’s eyes widen minutely and he looks taken aback.

“I was just teasing you,” Jongin chuckles good naturally, his eyes forming crescents.

Chanyeol observes him quietly; his glinting eyes, his crooked smile, his fingers playing nervously with the fabric of his sweat shirt. Surging forward, Chanyeol cups his cheek, ignoring Jongin’s stunned expression and presses his lips on his softly. The kiss stays chaste, innocent, and Chanyeol pulls away quickly. Jongin’s eyes flutter open and he parts his lips but nothing comes out.

“I think you deserve someone better than me, Jongin.” he whispers. Chanyeol has never looked so sad, Jongin thinks.

 

 

 

Jongin keeps replaying Chanyeol’s words for days. It frustrates him that Chanyeol thinks that low of himself. In Jongin’s eyes, he’s a very much like a hero. Chanyeol is warm and big, and Jongin feels protected when he’s with him. He feels lighter too. It’s true that Jongin is nursing a tiny crush on his hyung, but he’s genuinely thought Chanyeol was a beautiful and had a kind soul since their first meeting.

“You know hyung, you’re beautiful too,” he mumbles shyly as they sat side by side on Chanyeol’s couch, waiting for WoW to load. “And I think _I_ wouldn’t deserve _you_.”

Chanyeol beams at him and ruffles his hair, “You’re so cute.”

Jongin rolls his eyes and hides a pleased smile. Chanyeol deserves only the best, he thinks. Jongin knows he’s still lacking but he hopes someday he’ll deserve someone like Chanyeol. Or maybe Chanyeol himself, who knows.

“Now stop trying to distract me before the game, sore loser!” Chanyeol snickers, hitting play.

Jongin pouts.

 

 

 

The second time Jongin sees Chanyeol shirtless, they’re at Chanyeol’s for a movie night. When he reappears after a shower, Jongin stares at all the words inked on his skin greedily, memorizing each one of them. Chanyeol lets him, resting his hip on the door frame of his bedroom as he waits patiently. Jongin flushes when he meets his amused gaze and squeaks a small “sorry” before looking away. Chanyeol doesn’t put a shirt on and Jongin keeps glancing at his tattoos when he’s facing away. The younger suspects Chanyeol did it on purpose, to prove a point—that Jongin can _trust_ him, that _he_ trusts Jongin.

It’s distracting though. Not only his tattoos but the whole nakedness too. Chanyeol is an attractive man and Jongin isn’t immune to his charms. Besides, Chanyeol is everything someone like Jongin wants. He’s older, mature, he’s kind and confident, he’s sexy as hell and he’s patient. Chanyeol is the only one who truly wanted to get to know Jongin and didn’t let his shyness deter him from befriending him. He also saw through his lies and broke his walls one by one. Although, perhaps Jongin made it too easy.

“Do you want to read them?” Chanyeol asks, pausing the movie. “You know I don’t mind.”

“Why would you…?” Jongin splutters.

Chanyeol chuckles. “You’re fidgeting and you keep stealing glances at my tattoos. At this rhythm you won’t see the movie at all.”

Biting his lip in thoughts, Jongin nods. “Okay.”

Chanyeol turns to face him and spreads his arms wide. “My body is yours.” he smirks at the innuendo. At Jongin’s groan, he laughs, wiggling his eyebrows. “Don’t be shy.”

Jongin inhales sharply and lets his eyes wander on Chanyeol’s torso. He reads “1st win” below his nipple, and more “wins” written in the area, along with more competitions’ names. “You weren’t joking when you said snooking was your first love,” Jongin whispers, amazed.

One tattoo lying just above the waistband of his sweatpants attracts Jongin’s attention and he blushes when he reads “first time”. He reads “first trip to the hospital” around his left hip. Jongin wants to ask the stories, but he doesn’t want to upset Chanyeol and reminds him of his past.

When Chanyeol offers him to see his back, Jongin is confused by the matching tattoo at the end of his tailbone reading “first time” again. “Why do you have ‘first time’ written two times on your body?” he can’t help but ask, too curious for his own good.

“What do you think?” Chanyeol counters. When Jongin doesn’t reply, he turns his head and looks at him behind his shoulder. “I’m bi, Jongin. That’s _why_.”

Jongin flushes at the revelation and lets out a small “oh” before looking back down at Chanyeol’s back to hide his embarrassment. His eyes settle on “lost my first tooth” and he bursts out laughing.

Chanyeol groans, offended. “Don’t laugh, you have the same one somewhere on your body anyway.”

Jongin sobers up and points to some city names such as ‘Berlin, ‘Coventry’, ‘Cardiff’, ‘Beijing’, ‘Preston’, ‘London’. “You’ve traveled a lot.”

“I was a pro,” Chanyeol replies quietly. “I went everywhere for snooking’s competitions.”

“You must have been good,” Jongin mutters in awe.

Chanyeol hums simply.

Feeling guilty, Jongin quickly changes the subject. “159? What is it?”

Chanyeol winces. “Um.”

Jongin pokes the number, jutting his lower lip in thoughts. “Your height? Your favorite number? The number of...wins you’ve had?”

“Not exactly,” he mumbles, sounding ashamed. He turns around to face Jongin, an anxious expression on his face. “Don’t freak out okay?”

Jongin frowns.

“It’s the number of people I’ve been with...before...the accident.” Chanyeol says, his cheeks reddening.

Gawping, Jongin stares at him dumbly. “Wow...that’s a lot. Why is it...”

Shrugging, Chanyeol rubs his neck. “I don’t think that’s important but my body decided it was.”

“Wait,” Jongin gasps. “Does it mean you haven’t been with anyone since the accident?”

Chanyeol’s mood sours. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want to, I told you I was in a really bad place for a while.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers, grabbing his hands and squeezing them. “I was right though,” he adds, narrowing his eyes. “You broke _so many_ hearts, hyung.”

Chanyeol laughs, wiggling his eyebrows. “What can I say, no one can resists my dashing looks.”

 

 

 

“Hey, Jongin,” Chanyeol calls softly. “I’ve been thinking.”

Jongin hums and turns his head towards Chanyeol to show him he was listening.

“Since you hate your tattoos so much, why not covering them with artificial ones?” Chanyeol offers seriously. His eyes were set on his phone underneath the table and Jongin quickly looks down at his screen.

“Irezumi?” he mumbles. “What’s that?”

“Artificial tattoo. It covers the whole body or one big part of your body.” Chanyeol explains, tilting his phone towards Jongin so he can look better. “You could cover up the ones you don’t like.”

“I hate them all...” Jongin sighs.

“Then cover your whole body. I heard some people do that.” he says. “If it makes you happier.”

Jongin stares at Chanyeol’s face and smiles softly. “I guess I could think about it.”

“Yeah?” Chanyeol says, surprised, turning his head to Jongin, his eyes widening comically.

“Isn’t that why you showed me?” Jongin snorts, arching one eyebrow.

“I didn’t think you would consider it, I just thought about it and I wanted to let you know you had...options.” he stutters, blushing.

Jongin smirks. “I would look badass.”

Chanyeol bites his lips to hide a smile. “You would.”

Jongin beams at him and turns his attention back to the teacher in front of the class. It was sweet of Chanyeol to search solutions for him to get rid of his tattoos. He grabs Chanyeol’s arm as they leave the class and waits until no one was around to ask, “would you still like me if I covered my whole body in artificial tattoos?”.

“Of course, idiot. There’s nothing you could do that would make me like you less.” Chanyeol chuckles, ruffling his hair.

Jongin shakes his head and tightens his grip on his wrist. “Would you  _like_ me?” he insists, his gaze pining Chanyeol in place. 

Gulping down noisily, Chanyeol nods slowly, his eyes softening. “I would, Jongin.”

“Okay,” Jongin breathes out, his shoulders slumping. “Okay.” he repeats.

Chanyeol licks his lips and squeezes Jongin’s hand still resting on his wrist. “Jongin.”

The younger deflates and takes a step back. “Sorry, hyung. I know you don’t...I just wanted to make sure.”

With a long suffering sigh, Chanyeol steps closer and wraps his arm around his shoulders, leading him away. “You make it so hard for me to resist you,” he mumbles, annoyed.

“Then stop resisting.” Jongin quirks a smile and snuggles closer, looking up at him innocently.

Chanyeol sends him a stern look but doesn’t reply.

 

 

 

On a cold night of  D ecember, Chanyeol  finally  discovers what’s written on Jongin’s rib. Jongin is sound asleep next to him, passed out from their drinking and making out session, seeming vulnerable as he lies on his back in Chanyeol’s bed. Still awake, Chanyeol rests his head on his elbow as he gazes down at his boyfriend, smiling at him. He hopes Jongin won’t wake up because it would be embarrassing and creepy but he doubts it would happen anytime soon; Jongin drank a lot  after all . 

His eyes wander on Jongin’s naked skin, one of the rare time he’s not hiding behind his clothes and takes his time memorizing the words on his upper body  knowing Jongin would squirm away if he was awake. Chanyeol’s eyes trace the ink meticulously, aching to touch it with his fingertips. He stops at the words on Jongin’s rib and his heart aches for a totally different reason. “ _You’re not normal_ ”.  Sad and angry at the words someone has said to Jongin, that  _Jongin_ has believed to be true, that his body has deemed to be  _important_ . Important enough to write it permanently on Jongin’s skin. 

Chanyeol understands why Jongin would want to erase some or his tattoos. Those hurt him a lot. Chanyeol wishes they didn’t. He can’t say words on  _his_ body affect him as much but as he reads those he wants nothing more than to erase them himself if he could—erase them from Jongin’s body, from Jongin’s memory, from Jongin’s life. He’s always shrugged his own tattoos off, he’s never cared about them. Because he didn’t have to. Because none of them  _hurt_ him. They were only words, they represent his lifeline but they didn’t define him as a person. 

Sighing softly, he bends down to press a kiss to Jongin’s naked shoulder, a silent apology, hoping it would offer him comfort. Jongin stirs but doesn’t wake up, his nose wrinkling cutely in his sleep. Chanyeol smiles and wraps an arm around his waist, holding him close. He kisses his cheek and goes to sleep. 


End file.
